Of Banishment and Begonias
by DahliaValley
Summary: In which my lovely friend Missy X gets teleported into this glorious fandom. WARNING: contains Kyoya, lesbian (and questionably female) Renge, and, of course, Ghetto Ryoka. Complete and utter crack. One-shot.


**A/N: I'm baaaaaaack! And with more crack! This one goes out to Missy X, of course. **

**Note: Missy X did not sanction the creation or publication of this fic. She's going to be pissed! *laughs evilly* **

* * *

A furiously swirling vortex engulfs Ouran Academy, blocking every person's vision with purple fumes and the vague feeling of being stuffed in a blender. Or better yet, a coffee grinder on one setting above Turkish.

I should explain.

Y'all may know me, the author of this FanFiction, as Dahlia. I write witty and naughty fics, mostly for OHSHC, most of which are pure, unadulterated crack with plenty of awkward smut.

Well, this has come back to bite me in the ass.

My occasional writing partner, Missy X (as you would know her), was recently messing around on my laptop and discovered a couple of applications that I'm not really very proud of. Long story short, she pressed the big red button, and now is involved is somewhat of a predicament.

She's been tele-whatevered INTO THE FANDOM.

Call me crazy (I am). Call me ridiculous (only on Tuesdays). Call me whatever you like. I'm not lying. I imagine she's very upset.

Which brings us to now, and me sitting here hoping that it won't take any longer than a one-shot to get Missy out of Ouran Academy and back to the TARDIS.

I'm just kidding. I don't have a TARDIS.

At least, not yet. (MUAHAHAHAHAHA)

So anyway, the vortex stuff. That'd be Missy getting all transported and shit.

TO THE STORYLINE!

* * *

Missy landed on a person. "What the fuck?"

She coughed, the rubble and dust obscuring her vision. She looked around and saw dust. Didn't I just say that couldn't see anything?

"Excuse me." The familiar voice was coming from somewhere beneath her. "ZOMG IS THE EARTH SPEAKING TO ME?!" She screamed with an excess amount of schoolgirl-like giggling.

"No. I'm afraid you're sitting on my face."

"Oh."

"Would you mind… getting up?"

"Depends. What's in it for me?"

The figure squirmed. "You don't disappear deep into the badlands of Siberia."

It was only then that Missy was able to place the voice. "KYOYA!" she squealed, jumping to her feet. He rose and brushed a piece of pigeon off his head. (Yes, I said pigeon. This is a crackfic, for cryin' out loud. I could put George Bush on his head and it'd still be canon.)

"May I ask who you are?"

"I don't think so. It might mess up the time-space continuum or something." She replied warily. _Or the FanFiction gods would have my rump roasted and seasoned and served to one of their more favored authors, like HecateA or someone like that_, she added silently.

The Shadow King glared at her. "Uhh, um, my name is…" her mind went blank. "Begonia!"

* * *

Uh, hold on here. Let me just interrupt the quest (or whatever) to find Missy to say this:

BEGONIA?!

I, Dahlia Valley of the Semi-Humanoid Cinnamon Rolls, doth banish you, Missy X of Yonder Hill, to the fandom of Merlin. May the feels rip your soul apart.

Now back to the story.

* * *

"Hmm," Kyoya said. "Begonia?" Missy nodded uncomfortably. "Well, you look a little lost. Maybe Tamaki will be able to… help you."

_Help me? _She thought. _Mmmm, he can do more than help me_. Her ovaries exploded.

Kyoya wiped the mauve goo of her maidenhood off his face, grimacing. "This way, please." But I suppose we'll never find where he planned to lead her, because they were intercepted by an all-too-familiar face.

"Whooooo's this?" cackled Renge. "Ryoka! Come here! See if you can identify this… intruder."

Missy shrunk back in horror. _Renge. Just my luck. Thanks a ton, Dahlia._

Ryoka flipped her super-Asian hair over her shoulder and peered closely at poor, meek Missy. "Who you be, girl?"

It was Kyoya who answered her question. "She says her name is Begonia."

Ryoka twisted her face is what can only be described as a look of constipation. "Ratchet name, brah. Naw. Yo name be Shaniqua Shanaynay."

*Silence*

"What y'all be starin' at? That be mah great-grandymama's name." she protested.

"OOOKAY…" said Renge.

"Don't be disrespectin' mah great-grandymama Shaniqua now, y'all." She said to a room of empty people. Yes. Everyone had left.

"WE DON'T EVEN BE USIN' VOWELS IN DA HOOD!" she yelled at nobody.

Renge led Missy down a long, dimly lit hall. "This way please."

"W-where are we going?" stuttered Missy. Or rather, Begonia.

"Just for a quick fuck!" tittered Renge.

"AH… NO FREAKIN' WAY," said Missy, twisting out of Renge's grasp. Renge pouted. "Please? I have condoms."

Missy did a double take. "Wait, wha—you know what? I'm not even going to ask." And with that, she ran.

She ran through the corridors, desperately trying to find an exit. If you're wondering what was going through her mind:

_FUCK FUCK THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CRAZY WITH THE GUY WHO WANTS ME EXILED TO SIBERIA AND THE FUCKING WEIRD GIRL WHO THINKS SHE'S BLACK EVEN THOUGH SHE REALLY ISN'T AND IT'S NOT VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT JUST LEAVE TO MOTHERFUCKING DAHLIA TO COME UP WITH THE WEIRDEST OCS WHY CAN'T SHE JUST HAVE MADE A SPARKLY MARY-SUE BY THE NAME OF "SAPPHIRE ONYX SPARKLESHOES" OH WELL OF COURSE NOT SHE HATES MARY-SUES AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO COME UP WITH A MARY-SUE AT 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING AT A SLEEPOVER THAT GIRL FUCKING NEEDS A BOYFRIEND AND WHERE THE HELL IS SHE FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHE SHOULD HAVE FIXED THE WHOLE TELEPORTATION PROBLEM BY NOW AND—_

_*shoop*_

That, my dear readers, was the sound of my darling Missy being sucked up through yet another swirling vortex, this one leading her back home.

* * *

I sit back in my office chair, pleased with my FanFictionary work. Missy is doubled over next to me, panting.

"I'M (pant) GOING TO (pant) FUCKING KILL (pant) YOU." Missy pants.

"Mmhmm. You know you loved it."

Her eyes are filled with murder and pigeons (or George Bush. I'm still writing this fic) as she said, "Never. Write me into a FanFiction. Ever. Again."

"Whatever you say," I reply, opening up a Chrome browser so I can fucking post this fic.


End file.
